It’s true what they say;
You should never never try to mash potatoes with boiling water still full to the top of the pan.
Yes you’re right, they don’t say that. But they should! I’m not sure who “they” are, but I think it’s a group of about 5 individuals who meet once a week and just say things and then send the minutes of their meetings to people who spread the word about what they say.
Well I wish these 5 dipsticks would talk about mashing potatoes for a change. Mashing potatoes is something that I’d never done in my life up until the age of 28. Why would I need to… as a child I had a mum, and as an adult mash comes in packets.
Today though, it was my turn to cook a group meal in our shared house and apparently it doesn’t count as cooking if everything comes out of a microwave. If it’s good enough for wetherspoons it’s good enough for me… but not Ralph, my poncy housemate who I am with in the kitchen.
So.. luxury sausage and mash it is. Straight away I have a hurdle to overcome. We only have one saucepan! This is impossible, “I can’t work under these f**king conditions” I say thinking that if I at least sound like Gordon Ramsay they might be tricked into thinking I know what I’m doing. Any illusion I’d managed to conjure is shattered seconds later when I ask how I’m meant to boil the sausages.
A second housemate who has overheard the conversation is clearly intrigued by my Heston Blumenthal style of cooking and joins us in the kitchen.
“Yum, boiled sausages, you maverick” he doesn’t say. My two adoring fans watch in awe as I skilfully pour a kettle of boiling water over expertly peeled potatoes.
Fans of Justin Beiber call themselves ‘Beliebers’, Beyonce has the ‘Beyhive’ and Lady Gaga has ‘monsters’. My fans referred to themselves as the ‘supervisors’.
“They’re probably ready to mash now” says George.
“Ten more f**king seconds” I reply calmly to show I’m in control whilst building back up the Ramsay illusion.
Ten seconds later I approach the saucepan with a potato masher in my hand. I didn’t want to let it show but I was a bit confused about how I was meant to not make the water spill out so I decide to plunge the masher in slowly.
“Woah!! What are you doing?” asks a supervisor. “You have to drain the water first!”
“Well you didn’t say that!”
“I assumed you knew”
“30 seconds ago I asked if a hand-whisk was a potato masher, obviously I don’t know. You do it.”
With my reputation as a chef in tatters I storm out of the restaurant, I mean kitchen, and watch The Big Bang Theory instead leaving the other two to finish cooking the meal.
At the table I remark that the potatoes taste a bit dry but very well peeled which nobody even bothers to respond to.
Feeling a bit guilty I offer to wash up. Everyone else say their good nights and retire to their respective bedrooms. Suddenly I can’t actually be bothered to wash up.
We have a dishwasher in the house that we never use because the poncy housemates are also incredibly cheap – the thought crosses my mind but even if I wanted to we don’t have any dishwasher tablets.
Another thing “the 5 dipsticks” should say and spread is
“You should never put washing up liquid in the dishwasher”