Being a Fussy Eater

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“It’s amazing how angry you can make people by not liking the same food as them” I think as we make our way to the third restaurant because nothing on the previous two menus appealed to me.

“If you don’t like anything at the next place, we can no longer be friends” says my now former friend.

For several months I took advantage of my work canteen’s weekly offering of £3 lasagne. Until that is, one day I noticed there were mushrooms in it.

Instantly feeling sick, I abandoned the meal and got a delicious bag of mushroom-free crisps.

Fungi are eukaryotic organisms and include yeasts, mould and mushrooms. Some fungi are multi-cellular, while others, such as yeasts, are unicellular. Most fungi are microscopic but many produce the visible fruiting bodies we call mushrooms. …Mushrooms are the fruiting bodies of fungi.

I can’t for the life of me understand why a human would put that in someones otherwise perfectly adequate £3 lasagne.

Also, why would you assume I want relish in my burger and what’s the point of rocket?

Mustard is for morons, tuna is for twits and coleslaw is for… well let’s just say I don’t like coleslaw.

But the thing that people can’t get their tiny little heads around is that I don’t like the taste of dead chickens.

Chicken nuggets – yes. Actual chicken – Absolutely not. When I tell proper people this, their heads almost explode. A mixture of annoyance and confusion causes their face to redden and more often than not ask if I’m a vegetarian, which makes no sense.

I don’t object to eating dead chickens on moral grounds but it does make me queasy, similar to how you would feel if you were to nibble on a dead cat’s leg.

Why don’t we eat elephants by the way? I’ve never heard of an elephant burger but elephants are basically big grey cows with long noses.

I reckon deep down people have similar taste buds to me but they are too bothered about looking like adults to make a fuss when food arrives covered in gravy. In case you were wondering, today for dinner I will be having fishfingers, baked-beans and potato smiley faces.

Yes, you are right to be jealous. Enjoy your casserole or whatever it is that proper grown-ups eat.

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